For me, I don’t consciously think about self-love very often. Self love by my definition exists in the moments where I am able to stop and enjoy the natural milestones of the day such as the light: staring at the shadows of the trees on my carpet, experiencing the last light of day from my desk, especially when the sky is pink and orange and the churches are in silhouette. For me self-love is feeling mindful for those moments that break the banalities of life, amuse, inspire or calm my frantic working state. Experiencing these moments are essential for my functioning when each day seems to blend into the next. Internally, I hear myself saying “hmm… you can have SOME time for yourself but you also have a lot to do and will feel even worse if nothing is done today,” so for once I decided not to listen, closed the lid of my laptop and took to the wheel…
Five miles only?
Sealing the fields with the turning of wheels Unfamiliar with undulations on this pilgrims route I hasten, Birds of prey on telephone lines hypnotised by the blue beetle gliding between furrows sown by motion alone, The milling of gravel under rubber, the vapour of glass, the shine of steel The mercy of the sea, the resting of the heel Homesteads that peer over waning shoulders, church towers squinting on tip toes Studying the milestone to nowhere, a monolith inscribed with good will alone Faint sounds of barking orbiting around the metallic shell An instinctual compass to rely on light, light that shares the way a flint might reveal its veins or the choice of a feather to sweep the bonnet
Warnings! Deer, frogs, children, the elderly Here I am, working towards the cliff like a chess piece in slow motion Blessing the fields, farms, greens and crosses which ushered me towards The sea broad and wild, the cliffs steep and mild, A lighthouse illuminated by the sun only The epitome of the liberated lonely The tide is peeling back, the light is dying She is gone and the vehicle is sighing
I heard a rumour that April was the cruelest month Perhaps we mistake its love for dust And its hugs for must That envelops my skin Cluttering what I think As spring makes an early promise I step out each day As care Towards my present Particles of dust Participants along my walk Help me with a study of the past
My eyes itch But early bloom lets me see a future Filled with see you soons
Listening to podcasts has been proven to improve wellbeing, since it requires both sides of the brain to listen and focus. Besides, they’re a good accompaniment to a range of mindless but necessary activities such as tidying, exercising, or if you’re like me – lounging in the bath.
In Good Company by Otegha Uwagba – Elizabeth Day (Acast)
I am a big fan of Elizabeth Day’s podcast How to Fail, and was glad to find this interview.
She discussed the power of having role models when starting a journalistic career at a very young age (12, to be exact), and the importance of the affirmations of teachers and being encouraged to start by meeting a journalist.
She noted the importance of feeling free to be opinionated at this age and how this changed over time for her. She also added that it was her self-confidence that enabled her to get a permanent role after a week’s work experience after university. When she started her ideal role at The Observer, she noted how her ‘perfectionist tendency’ and sense of ‘conditional appreciation’ led her to feel that she should say yes to everything, taking the features that nobody else wanted to write and recognised that she really didn’t enjoy being on TV.
Over time, and during a series of personal struggles – divorce, miscarriage and fertility treatments she reassessed her values and fit and decided to leave the job.
After writing her first novel, she was faced with a lot of criticism from literary experts and came to realise the opinions which really counted for her.
Power Hour (Acast)- Chidera Eggerue
More commonly known as The Slumflower, the poet discussed her new book ‘How to Get Over a Boy’, which she wrote as a love letter to the daughter she might have in the future. She details self-love techniques and the importance of leaving relationships that don’t serve you.
From her time in public life, she imparts advice on dealing with the social media expectations of others and the difference of a presence versus being present online.
She notes that while you can influence others, it is important to be mindful that it is not your responsibility to convince them to want better for themselves, and we are each accountable to our own opinions and expectations of ourselves.
The Heart – One: Sometimes It’s Lonelier in Relationships (Spotify)
In this part of miniseries One, which focuses on loneliness, Kamala discusses the anonymity of living alone in a city. How there were ‘suddenly whole swathes of [her] life that no one knew about’. After going on an unsuccessful date, she looked at herself in a car mirror ‘and tried to imagine what it was that people wanted to see in [her]’. Laughing with her friend, she said she kept getting broken up with in relationships that she didn’t even realise she was in, expressing the loneliness of uncommitted relationships when experimenting with an open relationship.
Later, she chooses to prioritise being single and self-care, musing: who gave us the idea that loneliness was unexpected, a sign of incompletion, something to be solved, a ghost to escape at 2am in the heart of something transformative? It’s always here, it never leaves. It doesn’t have to weigh on me so badly’.
Writing a reflective birthday love letter to herself, she expresses that though she feels her loneliness was constant, it may stem from a sense of want within herself that she can mobilise into a driving force.
The Mindful Podcast (Acast) – 30-Minute Body Scan for Beginners
I took a listening break in exchange for an activity, and this was quite helpful. I’m not usually that into meditation, but I do find guided exercises useful if I’m particularly stressed or need distracting. As expected, the body scan covered various areas of the body and directed my attention to making sure I was relaxed.
Unf*ck Your Brain (Acast) – Overcoming Overwhelm
A helpful exercise in recalibrating your thoughts and managing an endless to-do list, this was instructive in identifying the root of your thoughts and reactions and examining which thoughts you’d like to prioritise addressing.
By conditioning yourself to adopt the opposite thought of what you currently have – e.g., that you will be able to achieve something, it is possible to undermine self-doubt, and where this isn’t possible, identifying something which you can believe instead – such as I may be able to complete a particular element of the task or achieve a smaller goal, may be helpful in countering overwhelm.
She’s All Fat (Spotify/Acast) – The Body is Not an Apology
Sophie interviews writer and author Sonia Renee Taylor, and the pair discuss radical self love (a way of appreciating her own body of colour in a white supremacist world) and the role of body neutrality as a stepping stone to acceptance. Sonia notes that there can be ‘spheres’ of acceptance – that she has had trans partners who are fatphobic, or body positive friends with whom she has had to discuss white supremacy.
She encourages us to ask ourselves: ‘Where in my own life am I being complicit?’
Sophie expresses her difficulties in getting a diagnosis for ADHD due to her weight, and how she feels she had internalized capitalism which manifested as a lack of confidence when she was processing information differently to peers.
Sonia responds that this would have made her further defiant against the system, to which Sophie responds that her attitude had often been one of, ‘I’ll show you!’.
The discussion moves towards the pervasive nature of wellness without spirituality, as a way to justify the current system of dominance which Sonia terms the “white woman spiritual bypass community”.
Finally, she mentions that she runs ‘Radical Movement’ dance classes on zoom.
(I confess that I read the transcript online, but this took roughly as long as actually listening)
And now, to the other of my joint-favourite podcasts, Fresh Air. I listened to this one because I didn’t know much about Lizzo and knew that Terry Gross’ interview techniques would bring her personality to the fore and discuss body positivity in a meaningful way.
The pair differ on their opinions of feminism when discussing her album cover which features her naked – which Gross said would have made her question whether the woman was objectifying themselves, noting that she was pushing the boundaries of traditional beauty standards.
Lizzo responded by asking, ‘but are you only saying that because I’m fat?’, noting that women who aren’t plus sized are more often thought of as sexualised than subverting the male gaze and making what Terry had termed ‘a bold statement’.
She later clarifies that in the past, women’s bodies had been used to sell cars or other products such as albums and that now this is being redefined by modern feminism.
They go on to discuss fat shaming and a lack of size inclusivity in clothing that left Lizzo feeling a lack of acceptance. When she was in middle school, she had ‘bound’ her feet and stomach with clingfilm to try to make herself appear smaller.
Eventually this catalysed her journey of self-love and self-appreciation, making the decision that ‘I just wanted to be happy with my body, and I just wanted to be happy with who I am and […] wake up every day in the same body, and it wasn’t going to change’. She wrote ‘My Skin’ as a response to being asked what she liked about herself physically, and she realised she had damaged what her friend called ‘her beautiful skin’ by falling off a rope swing into a river. She felt that this realisation was life-changing for her and echoes the impact of the Black Lives Matter Movement – the power of choosing to love her skin ‘when that was the thing that’s held against me the most in society’.
She discusses writing ‘Good As Hell’ within minutes as a response to how a piano riff made her feel and straddling the divide of wanting to make rap which came as ‘first-nature’ and a ‘rite of passage’ in Houston. She discussed her writing in school and her experience training as a classical flautist which she did until she left College, also playing the flute in marching band and a progressive rock band.
Eventually she felt the pressure of choosing a particular affiliation after working hard from the morning through to the early hours of the next days – ‘you’re about to be who you are forever. And now who is that?’. Being drawn to continuing as a performer, which she was already doing, she decided to leave her performance degree.
She discussed how her music had been influenced by a religious Christian upbringing and culture, as her great-grandparents had founded her local church and how this led to her paying homage to gospel music in her work.
If you can manage to get past the singing at the intro, this one is worth listening to. Recorded on Christmas Eve, reflecting on the year, Adam sounds as if he’s walking along his garden path.
From starting with discussing his enjoyment of Coke Zero, I thought I might struggle with Joe being out of touch, but since I knew they’d be discussing The Staves, I had to keep listening.
A good idea which you might use socially on zoom or over the phone is exchanging audio gifts – and Adam treats Joe to a cover of a song from Muppets Christmas Carol which sounds exactly like a radio jingle to advertise what sounds like a product, but is actually an homage to Joe written by himself and recorded by the Staves!
He outlined the importance of going for a walk when you feel stressed as a way of gaining inspiration and thinking of lyrics during a half an hour walk. The website link above includes a Spotify Playlist of the Staves and a Marian Keyes video on taking care of yourself at Christmas.
(30.00) – They talk about dreams and Joe wrote a song about a vivid dream, with Adam noting that he thinks it’s the uncertainty and differing routine causing strange dreams during lockdown. He wrote a song about putting on a play which was based on an anxiety dream he had and demonstrates how music is an alternative way of processing thoughts.
Joe talks about a dream of being breastfed by Kylie Minogue as a subconscious interpretation of the experience of having a new-born child in the house and records this with a Mr Sandman-esque tune.
Now here comes the confession that I didn’t finish this podcast, but I’d still recommend it for some lighthearted Dad banter and an obvious illustration of the need for friendship for wellbeing during a pandemic.
The Mustards – ‘Is Niksen the New Hygge?’ (highlight) 31 May 2020 – (YouTube)
Also available on Acast, The Mustards podcast is my joint favourite (alongside Fresh Air) and if you’d like to watch Jenny’s quirky weekly outfits I’d recommend listening/watching on YouTube over Acast. Two Swedish vegan minimalists dissect pop culture and trends, and this video examines the Dutch concept of Niksen – or doing nothing. It doesn’t appear to have taken off as a term, however as David points out, we certainly are doing a lot more ‘nothing’ since the pandemic started.
Niksen is supposed to entail practising the art of doing something mindlessly with no intent (also covered in the Ten Percent Happier Podcast below).
They discuss the difference between actively and passively doing nothing, and the difference between mindfulness and ‘nothing time’ and the purpose of doing nothing, for example during a train journey and how this can lead to insight.
I did also listen to the full podcast, but it was many months ago – I’d recommend dipping into a few of their weekly highlights if you have less time, and if you like their style then listen to an hour-long podcast.
Code Switch (Acast) – Books for Your Mind, Belly and Soul
The team discuss reviews for alternative development books written by people of colour.
‘How to be Fine’ – by the writers of the podcast By the Book – details their experience of reading 50 self-help books. Their favourite was ‘Single Act of Gratitude’, which involves writing a letter to yourself every day.
The Key to Chinese Cooking – an authentic cookbook using non-typical ingredients. Also, Curry in a Hurry, which was written by an NPR team member’s grandmother.
‘A Song for You: My Life with Whitney Houston’. The Story of Whitney Houston’s relationship with her friend Robyn Crawford,discussed by Kamari and featuring an audio excerpt of Crawford talking about Whitney sneaking a flea-ridden kitten onto a plane.
They Killed my Mother, They Took our Magic – A YA book set in Nigeria, which explores fantasy and non-imagined oppression from a non-white perspective.
In the Country of Women – A story of a family’s matriarch, told by the wife of one of her descendants. She discussed the importance of posterity and representation when writing a history which was that of her husband’s black American family.
Such a Fun Age – A realist and partly comedic novel about a suspected kidnapping when a black woman is babysitting a white child, this one sounds entertaining.
Other Code Switch suggestions: The Books That Got Away, ‘What does Hood Feminism mean for a pandemic’.
Happy Place Fearne Cotton – Jonathan Van Ness interview:
Jonathan discusses positivity around his HIV status and its impact on his relationships, getting married and self-acceptance. He’s one of the most empowering people in the public eye and Fearne is such a brilliant interviewer, which makes this an uplifting meditation on overcoming adversity.
No Starving Artist (Spotify/YouTube) –Bridge Statements for Self-Love (11 Oct 2020)
Anisa talks about fostering a positive mindset – noticing thoughts and learning to change them with a therapist-approved method. She has previously held high profile marketing roles at Google and YouTube Music, now running a podcast to tackle the image of the ‘starving artist ‘also through the More by Her (@more_by_her) on Instagram, platform of news stories of thriving female artists.
In this podcast, she uses the concept of Bridging Statements as a way of aligning with our values, dealing with elements of our situation and self-shaming – how to intentionally create bridges between where we are and visualise where we’d like to be.
Bridging works by considering your most powerful and common thoughts and employing certainty, e.g., that you enjoy your own company, that you are loved. The method encourages that you stop comparing yourself and fact check your own thoughts and those of others.
This approach to self-acceptance also includes, taking breaks from work, space from people and enjoying solitude and exploring how much your thoughts are realistic or constructed by society.
Other recommendations: January 31 ‘Creative Wellness Meditation’, January 24 – ‘Never Not Networking and Clubhouse’.
Bryony Gordon’s Mad World – World Mental Health Day 10/10/2018 – Scarlett Curtis:
TW: suicidal thoughts, PTSD and chronic illness
Role of activism in resilience and improving mental health – (Gifted Scarlett’s book Feminists Don’t Wear Pink in 2019 during a difficult time and recently came across her role in the Free Periods movement in Amika George’s book ‘Make It Happen’). treatment of women medically and difficulty in diagnosis for scoliosis and internalising feelings of pain. When talking about it, Bryony Noted that she was stroking her own face and she discussed how opening up about these topics feels like ‘burdening’ others and that often you feel the need to comfort the other person.
She also told of the importance of her knitting blog as a way of motivating her but also of trying to appear productive during illness.
Born of a famous family, daughter to Richard Curtis and Emma Freud, she had felt like the ‘stain’ on a positive family, but eventually her mum realised she needed to be her mum and not her doctor, and the sense of burdening improved. When she went back to school after spinal surgery to do her A-levels after 2 years off, she experienced 5 months of every day getting worse – and had to attend a day treatment centre for a period of time. She expressed that she just wanted to be alone and would often take her pets to a country house in Suffolk whenever she could. She described needing but not wanting social interaction, which highlighted that it isn’t always easy to ask for help when struggling.
Having identified that she had PTSD about being in the room and house where she was ill, she sought support and managed to get into NYU and move to New York with 4 GCSEs. She tried to restart her life but felt hopeless and very low until she called her best friend and talked until she fell asleep.
She described the balance of learning when it’s best to push yourself and when to give yourself a break.
Having gained activism work experience at Global Citizen and started an organisation called The Pink Protest, she found that calling upon activism and feminism gave her purpose and noted that taking each day at a time is key when things are difficult. She also discusses the benefits of taking an anti-anxiety and antidepressant medication which is well suited to her needs and taking up yoga, which she’d once hated the thought of.
She describes feminism as an act of self-care and I certainly believe in finding your purpose by following what you believe in as a form of loving yourself.
Ten Percent Happier with Dan Harris (Spotify) – #319 How to do Nothing: Jenny Odell
Dan frames the discussion with a quote from his friend, that ‘our desired state is always elsewhere or otherwise’, admitting to his ‘productivity shame’, a sense of needing to fill every waking moment productively.
Jenny responds that in the days before social media, she wrote in her journals about feeling overscheduled, and noted that an awareness of anticapitalism can be useful in undoing some of this guilt. By adapting the frames of reference we use to label productivity – such as considering that a relaxing activity may be productive for wellbeing, and acknowledging activities in which you find personal meaning, it becomes easier to be less tied to productivity in a market sense.
They discuss that she mentions in her book, How to Do Nothing, that she often visits a local rose garden and how going to a familiar relaxing place, observing her surroundings and engaging in unstructured time has helped her mindfulness.
She notes that during lockdown her daily walks had become too routine, but that she found herself noticing details on routes she’d walked before and had never seen certain details before. She terms this mundanity Challenging Relaxation and says ‘nothing is harder than doing nothing’.
Dan refers to non-traditional meditation, quoting habits of deliberately trying to waste time given by a fellow writer – such as sitting at the desk at the end of the work day with nothing to do, or watching old Taylor Swift videos. Jenny sees some use in the music video example of this repetition, noting that we can often ‘look again and again at something and still not grasp it’.
She recommends that mindfulness includes a connection with something larger, for example in her observation of birds when walking.
Dan notes that she is known to have befriended a family of crows which she feeds often.
(It is at this point that my phone deleted my draft Note To Self with the rest of my thoughts on the podcast. So below is what I do remember):
Wellness for Jenny is about recognizing the limits of our own responsibility, recalibrating in nature and recognizing privilege and an awareness of the local Ecosphere – the names of the rivers, mountains, or of indigenous lands. She gives the example of publicizing her book, but not through her Instagram, as this is one of the few areas of her life which isn’t ‘commodifiable.
Overall I really enjoyed the conversation between the two and found it an engaging antidote to traditional conversations about meditation.
Other recommendations: Forgive Yesterday and Reset (Spotify), #317 Non-Preachy Ethics
Tiny Leaps, Big Changes (Spotify) – Episode 657: Stop Trying to be Extraordinary.
A self-development podcast focusing on habit change and formation. In this bite-sized episode, Gregg Clunis explores the empowerment we can achieve by embracing being average to be better able to find greatness.
Being compassionate with ourselves by using positive language towards ourselves is the first step, and the following step can be a way of reacting to the judgments and preconceptions we use to label others and ourselves. By applying the philosophy of Alain De Botton, Clunis describes the ‘rigidity’ with which we treat the answer to the question, ‘what do you do?’ and how materialism defines us. The question can be replaced with ‘who are you?’ as a way of examining your own actualisation.
He sets out a series of mental principles from de Botton, which include fighting the temptation to comply instead of acting in an authentic way and in allowing ourselves to just ‘be’, we can feel more adequate in asserting ourselves and becoming who we want to be.
Other episodes: 672: Improve Your Focus Instantly, 667: The Power of Retrospection
Other Honourable Mentions:
Mad Chat (online – madchatshow.com, podcast apps). I looked online and skim read some of the transcripts since I found this one late in the research process.
However, while not specifically self-care related this podcast discusses media portrayals of mental health and illness. I only wish they had made more episodes!
Killing Eve (female focus, people’s relationship to their emotions and how this affects relating to people – Villanelle doesn’t have empathy and yet she has strong relational abilities) and Frasier (a comforting show and the psychoanalysis of the main character). The website also has detailed bio of guests including their research interests and further reading.
Snoozecast (Acast): A podcast which I often use to get to sleep. While the episodes don’t follow the same story through chapters, there is the opportunity to listen to a variety of opening chapters and later to listen to further parts of the stories as they are uploaded.
Unlocking Us by Brené Brown (Spotify) – Self-help podcast with guests including Obama and Roxane Gay
Mental (online): July 15th 2020 – 144: Self Love – It really is a cornerstone to mental health recovery with Dr Shainna Ali. Other interesting episodes: 164 Masculinity, 153 Burnout, 144 Self Love
The Lavendaire Lifestyle (Spotify): She featured on The Mustards podcast and I’ve been meaning to listen to her content, lots of this interests me so it’s on the list!
Suggested: 174 – Guided Meditation for Self Love, 173 – Closing the Creative Gap with Jade Darmawangsa, 171 – Becoming Your Fullest Self with Ivan Lam.
All in the Mind BBC 4 – 17 Nov 2020 ‘Recovery stories, personality change, Covid’ – exploring whether listening to other people’s mental health recovery stories can be beneficial.
‘WTF’ with Marc Maron: Jodie Foster (1201), Johnny Flynn (1177), Michael J. Fox (1176)
Happier with Gretchen Rubin – podcast 240 – September 25, 2019 (Spotify): The Emergency Kit for Anxiety, Worry and Stress
Feel Better, Live More: Dr Rangan Chatterjee – (155 – The Power of Plants, Love and Connection) and (158 – How to Use Running as a Tool to Change your Life)
Whispered words of stripped timber, Chanted like a spell under hot breaths, Like a song hurried through and felt. Quiet storm, do I want thee? Do I want to be, To be degraded as if in acid rain, To be a reduced solution, Part of it finally, My affects wiped away, Like paint chips journeying down the drain, Accompanied only by a swelling of circumstance.
Perhaps it is good to be reduced, Be forced towards childishness, To have to inhabit a time, When dreams were boundless, And outside of reason, A time before the weight of the appropriate and the likely. Perhaps it is a needed antidote, To the certainty and uncertainty of creeping adulthood, Perhaps we should not grow up all at once, But only in the useful branches, And stay young and budding in a few varieties of ourselves.
And then I spy a hole, Between here and my vibrancy. For just a moment, I can be excited, passionate, loud, And I can see why and how, I can be all those things and more. I have found that place, Where I do not worry or weep, For things I believe I am missing, I do not get stuck in notions of futures, Of missteps and inaction, I am living in action, And am free of the weight, That before I let crush me on this side of the wall.